Sir John Lubbock once wrote,
Music is a moral law. It gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, gaiety and life to everything. It is the essence of order, and leads to all that is good, just, and beautiful, of which it is the invisible, but nevertheless dazzling, passionate, and eternal form.
A century-and-a-bit later, R'n'B misfit Eamon Jonathan Doyle would pen lyrics that would forever change the art form in the ears of many, swingeingly challenging Lubbock's age-old ideologies in the process.
On the 24th of November, 2003, 'Eamon' - whose grandparents hailed from Co. Wexford (but in a far more accurate sense, did not hail from Wexford) - produced this snippet of urban poetry:
Fuck what I said,
he said.
It don't mean shit now.
Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out.
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back.
The self-proclaimed 'ho-wop' (a combination of hip-hop, doo wop and 'hoes') anthem reached no.1 in 13 countries, becoming the 58th biggest-selling single of the noughties in Britain alone. In Italy, it climbed the charts with such fervour that it was re-recorded in the vernacular, with Eamon's 33 swear words carefully edited out for the swarms of Italian pre-teens who, like all of us, were simply benumbed by the booming tune of 2003's great breakup anthem.
'Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)' was a fucking extraordinary piece of music:
And while Eamon's original is no doubt timeless to those of us who began to cut our teeth in the world of using the word 'fuck' and listening to extremely borderline R'n'B 12 years ago, it was arguably the retort of fellow Staten Island native 'Frankee' which propelled it to the iconic status it still clings to - buried deep within the very bowels of our selective forgetfulness.
Frankee's slam dunk into the hoop of flagrant arse-chancery saw her claim to be an ex-girlfriend of Eamon; her response track, 'F.U.R.B.', reached no.1 in both the UK and Australia.
As you can probably remember, it was literally the same song, but with different words and a video that showcased far more boobs - causing some factions of Eamon's male fanbase to jump ship to his [alleged] embittered former flame's cause.
Eamon, in true Eamon fashion, denied having ever met Frankee, refuting her accusations that he was "talkin' shit like a snitch" with the following statement:
I was not involved with 'F.U.R.B.' I have never met Frankee and she is definitely not my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend.
The only way I was associated with it was when I was asked for licensing permission by Frankee's representatives, which makes me a writer on her song by copyright law. But I really didn't expect all this to come out of it, they are having fun with it, it's cool but in the end they are paying me for their 15 minutes of fame and I welcome her to my world of Ho-Wop!
Classic Eamon!
I think we'll let Frankee's insightful and cutting lyrics do the explaining, if you don't mind:
And may Jesus have mercy on our souls.
It was more than a chart battle - it was a debate for the ages; a vitriolic, bilious, surprisingly melodic rivalry not seen since the days of Biggie and 'Pac. Families worldwide were split down the middle between children, whose loyalty tended to lay with the artist of corresponding gender, and parents, who said things like, 'Turn that shit off!' and 'The money-grabbing bastards.'
Frankee's follow-up single, 'Watch Me,' was released as a digital download in 2006, but failed to chart. She was dropped from her record label almost instantaneously, and can surely have had no complaints.
The F.U.R.B. star went on to model for Maxim and other publications of a similarly sinister ilk, which - let's be honest here - is quintessential Frankee, bless her.
To his credit, Eamon remained true to form - his unwavering dedication to being a misogynistic dickhead would presumably resonate with, I don't know, the kind of person who 'reads' Maxim magazine.
His spectacularly-titled second single, 'I Love Them Ho's', was arguably one of the worst noises the planet has ever heard. In fact there actually is no argument.
Rather incredibly, however, Eamon is still recording music - a number of genuinely unfortunate disputes with second-tier record labels hindering his comeback since 2008.
But the man who first mastered the jeans-and-Timberlands combo did in fact feature on a number of tracks in 2015; he appeared on the new Jedi Mind Tricks album 'The Thief and the Fallen', providing vocals on two songs - 'Fraudulent Cloth' and 'And God Said to Cain'.
You can follow Eamon on Twitter and Instagram, where he still endeavours to make 'ho-wop' a legitimate genre of music - which is strangely comforting in a way.
As for Frankee - who like Eamon is still just 32-years-old - well, sources close to her claim she's happily married and has left the whole 'beef' and music industry in her rear-view.
Others claim she's simply waiting in the wings for Eamon to drop a comeback anthem.
If the latter is true, she's not the only one.
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