People in their 20s and 30s will tell you that the Leaving Cert "isn't that bad," and that "the pres/mocks are actually worse." They are, of course, lying. The Leaving Cert is one of the worst things you'll ever do, and nobody - particularly your mother - has any idea of how much pressure you're under. There's no guide to surviving it; you just go in, do your best, haul ass out of there and get ready to take names in Ayia Napa.
But be warned: This is where people's true colours shine through. Here's a brief run-down of the various characters you're likely to meet in the next two weeks.
1) The "I'm so fucked" merchant.
Are you, though? Because I haven't seen you outside of school in about eight months.
2) The "How are you fixed? (*mimics your exact feelings towards the exam*)" merchant.
To be fair, these guys are just trying to be polite and, if anything, ease your own worries. But they are liars, and in many ways cowards.
3) The person - usually next you you - who attacks the exam paper as soon as it hits his or her desk.
Calm down?
4) Your friend who nonchalantly leaves the exam hall a full hour before you.
Oh, you serpent. Look at you, practically slithering out the door. You told me you were a no.1, goddammit! We were no.1s together!!!
5) The person who comes into school not wearing makeup or hair gel for the first time in six years.
They've been crying. Oh-OH God, is that a Dorito in their hair?
6) The person who audibly sighs every two to three minutes during the exam.
Yeah, man, we get it. Sure it's the Leaving Cert.
7) The person with so many pens it pisses you off for what you perceive to be your lack of comparative organisation.
Why do they have pink? What are they going to write in pink that I could have written in pink?
8) The person who 'unintentionally' covers their exam by pretending they need to practically lie down across their answer books, so real is the physical struggle of writing.
Snakes. Not to be confused with:
9) The person who genuinely might be asleep on their exam.
Zzzzz.
10) The person who asks for an extra answer booklet after half an hour.
Ask louder, you prick.
11) The person who asks for two extra answer booklets.
I will end your lineage.
12) The person who gets caught cheating.
Scenes. There's always one. But how did they think they'd get away with notes in their pencil case?
13) The person who doesn't get caught cheating.
Either that or they have a bladder problem.
14) The person who actually does have a bladder problem.
I have a friend who maintains an ill-timed bout with chronic diarrhoea cost him close to 130 points in the Leaving Cert.
15) The person who actually does check back over their exam more than once.
It can't be that good a read, you smug if admirably thorough prick.
16) The emotional plea note advocate.
A genuinely underrated skill. I have another friend - not Diarrhoea Boy - who wrote a plea note at the end of his pass maths exam and ultimately got a D3, but 490 points overall. Unspeakable genius.
17) The "What you get for 5B?" assholes.
The nerds that make you realise within an instant how very badly wrong you went in Question 5, part B.
NB: None of the above people are actually pricks. Good luck to all Leaving Cert students- you'll get there!
Got any more Leaving Cert pricks for us? Send them on and we'll expand the list!
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