In the early to mid-'90s, presenter of RTÉ's The Den, Ray D'Arcy, was the victim of a series of violent in-studio panda attacks, from a bear named 'Ted.' He was eventually forced to depart the show, and was never heard from again.I've been meaning to get this off my chest for some time: Pandas are idiots, and they deserve to die.
For too long now the panda, so conspicuous in its serene, mystical beauty, has been perceived as the adorable darling of the animal kingdom.
Doughy-eyed and cuddly, the panda is the wild teddy bear, its striking coat shimmering against the bamboo jungle backdrop as it gnaws at the roots like a human baby gleefully sucking the nutrition from a plastic toy.
But it seems even nature itself is sick of the panda's shit.
New research suggests that pandas are actually quite bad at digesting their favourite food. Yes, it seems food - one of the intrinsically crucial components of an organism's ability to live - is far too complex an obstacle for your 'adorable' panda to overcome.
Pandas chew playfully on an exclusive diet of bamboo for 14 hours a day, but digest only 17% of their intake.
The useless fucking idiots.
Scientists in China have suggested that, unlike most herbivores, a panda’s gut bacteria has never evolved to match its diet, remaining more akin to its omnivorous bear cousins.
In essence, the panda, is the insufferable berk who asks for the vegetarian option at a steakhouse.
“This result is unexpected and quite interesting, because it implies the giant panda’s gut microbiota may not have well adapted to its unique diet, and places pandas at an evolutionary dilemma,”
said Xiaoyan Pang, a co-author of the Chinese study.
Why don't they just try not eating bamboo, the clown-acts?
Pandas also ruined wrestling in 2002.Pandas are currently classified on IUCN's Red List as an endangered species, and somehow its our fault for 'destroying their habitat,' which it's worth pointing out that they are constantly eating, seemingly for no reason at all.
It'd be like 1.4 billion pandas rocking into Beijing and bulldozing it, but only if the Chinese people were living on an exclusive diet of concrete, tarmac and smog.
And let's face it, it's a difficult metaphor to envisage considering there are only about four 'cute, cuddly' pandas left.
If anything we're doing both pandas and nature a favour - speeding up the natural process which will finally force them over the edge after 2 million years of arse-chancery, bamboo-chewing and scrimping off the Chinese tax payer.
I mean, what are we going to do, study them? Learn how to provide them with correct nutrients and attempt to feed them? Not tear down enormous rainforests to build putrid, shit-filled cities? Come off it!
Enjoy this picture of a panda trying to play the flute, because soon it'll be dead.
