Here's the thing about selfie sticks; they're bad, and you're a bad idiot if you own or use one. You know that picture you took of yourself and your friends on a mountain top in front of the Californian sunset? It did not look good. There's a stick in it.
However, all is not lost. Despite the fact that no Irish person should ever own a selfie stick, if you did splash out on one and gradually saw sense, there are still plenty of situations in which it may come handy. Here are 10 Irish things you can do with your selfie stick (not including the unwritten one; 'you can shtick it up yer'-)
Sunburn Peeler
"But it'll turn into tan!" It won't. You're going to find most of it in your bed and feel like a scabrous lizard. Nip in the bud. Use the stick.
Wasp Swatter
Blast away your wazzy woes with pinpoint accuracy. Or else just leave a small bit of jam in a jar of water. But the selfie stick is definitely more fun.
Spider Killer
Wreak havoc on the *GIGANTIC INVASIVE SPIDERS* that seem to get bigger and more monstrous every winter, despite the fact that they're literally not. The selfie stick allows you to strike from a safe distance.
@RayAblack someone needs to come out with a selfie stick-esque product but for spiderkilling.
— rhoe woes (@FYChloeRose) January 4, 2015
Turn On Your Fellow Pesky Selfie Stick-Users
Why stop at wasps and spiders? You're part of the real epidemic here.
Make Your Own Selfie Stick, Sponsored by Cuisine de France™
A Slightly Worse Version Of One Of These Yolks From Your Childhood
Hurley
Imagine the damage Joe Canning could do with one of these. Game on Ger!
School Hall Periscope
My incredibly old Latin teacher once entered the classroom and said,
I know you have a name for me, lads. I hear ye roaring it when I'm coming down the corridor.
We were shitting it, because we actually did call him 'Leper.'
He pointed at the class and said,
I know ye call me Sketch!
Use It To Carry Around Your Very Own Sacristy Lamp
Now this is a trend I can get behind.
Use It To 'Bate The Spuds'
That's not a euphenism. Those who come from a farming background in particular may remember their grandparents bashing potatoes around in a bucket of water using some sort of club-like device. It was more a pre-dinner dance ritual than anything, as far as I could tell, as it served absolutely no purpose whatsoever.
I'm now slightly concerned that it was only my own grandmother who did this, and am beginning to wonder if she was a lunatic, so do get in touch if you've seen it happen before. Please.
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