January can be lonelier than that Akon song from 2006 for those of us not in a relationship, what with our one trustworthy source of comfort - alcohol - having made us feel worse than any romantic pursuit since New Year's Day.
But embedded within our respective physches, deep beyond any misguided sense of isolation lies a hatred that burns warm enough to carry us through even the harshest of winters; a hatred of happy couples.
Here are 14 types of bastard couple that you're likely to encounter this month:
1) PDA Merchants
We're easing into it, to begin with. Oh, PDA merchants, you fuckers from the depths of hell. The type of couple that thinks life is a scene from One Tree Hill or one of those other television shows where everyone is insanely good-looking.
The very foundation of these pricks' relationships is the idea that the world stands still while they act out their overly-emotional, affectionate bullshit. They're too engrossed in each other's gobs to notice any number of onlookers, wincing, sprinting for safety, and maybe even fighting the urge to vomit.
2) Bus Couples
Kissy couples on the bus can, in no uncertain terms, fuck off back to the hell from whence they came.
A special mention must go to the outrageously gross 'three-kisses-in-one' advocates, whose moist, noisy consecutive smooches - which invariably arrive in threes (just watch next time you're on a bus!) are an affront to the average passenger's mind, body and soul.
I mean... You're going the same way, for Christ's sake!
Not to be confused with...
3) Bus Stop Couples
Similar assholes will put on an altogether different performance while waiting for the bus. Have you ever been sitting at a bus stop with only an overly-romantic pair of goo-mongers for company? A truly excruciating experience.
Their PDAs may well just be an overcompensation for the horrors brought upon by the use of public transport - "I'm so sorry I don't have a car, babe" - but their occasional glances in your direction are indicative of an altogether more sinister agenda: "Look at us! Look how in love we are? And look at you! You're on your own!"
4) Shopping Centre Couples
If they stopped holding hands to almost the exact span of the aisle, they could do their shopping literally twice as fast. Move. MOVE!!!
5) Couples Who Just Keep Having Children
I think kids are great - I remember being one, it was great craic.
And maybe it's my age and personal parental inexperience getting the better of me here, but the toils of pregnancy, sleepless nights, 'terrible twos' and so on seem to greatly outweigh the joys of bringing new life into the world when you've already done it like, I dunno, six times?
At some point it's surely time to hang the balls on the Christmas tree and call it a career.
6) On-Again-Off-Again Couples
Will they? Won't they? Are they? Aren't they? Does anyone give a fucking shit anymore? No. No!
We've all heard stories like, "Yeah, she found out he cheated on him and went off with some random guy. He's in hospital because he punched a mirror. They're back together now."
The incessant phonecalls, the Whatsapps, the tears and the promises... And that's just to their friends. They're fooling no one, ultimately.
7) Couples Who Abandon Their Respective Friends
Two groups will usually suffer.
The girls are pissed off; They'll feign happiness for their friend who has made the step up into a mature relationship, but make no mistake about it, they're angry. Expect phrases like, "She's doing her own thing, we're so happy for her!" which roughly translates as "I haven't seen that bitch since February, she's dead to all of us."
The lads, for all their bravado, actually go through a more intrinsically emotional experience. They feel let down; as far as they're concerned, their mate now holds shopping bags instead of drinking pints, despite there being little-to-no time correlation between both pastimes whatsoever. This is not a drill - the lads have a man down, here. Only a plethora of written, online abuse and many a chorus of whipping noises can possibly tempt him back from The Dark Side now.
8) Couples Who Break Up And Cause Fractures In Groups Of Friends
It would really give you a new-found sympathy for Ariana Grande. Nah, these self-absorbed dickheads can make their own beds and burn their own bridges. They started it, likely against everybody in the group's advice, so let them sort it out themselves.
9) Snapchat Story Couples
Now proven scientifically to be the worst people on Earth - yes, worse than ISIS - couples who Snapchat Story their mundanely routine escapades are a damning indictment on both social media and the human brain.
The guy usually pretends to hide from the camera while simultaneously flexing within an inch of his life, as his girlfriend - bored out of her mind - videos him watching the Champions League or playing Fallout 4, and these heinous acts are sufficient cause to piledrive your phone through a wall, or roundhouse kick the nearest lamp.
Nah, these clown-acts can get fucked.
10) Couples Who Use Themselves As An Example Of A Successful Relationship
Yeah, thanks so much for the literally unasked-for advice, you pair of insufferable flutes.
11) Irish Couples Who Call Each Other 'Babe' In Public
Jesus Christ, this isn't 90210 you gormless, pretentious idiots.
12) Couples Who Are Just Incredibly, Incredibly Good-Looking
They might actually be the soundest people in the world, but fuck 'em for being so good-looking at the same time.
13) Couples Who Refuse To Admit They're Couples
Faux couples who think they're individually and collectively far more complex than they really are. They feed off self-created, personal turmoil whereby they refuse to acknowledge that - despite displaying all the hallmarks of being in a relationship - they are in fact in a relationship.
And boy do they like to tell us all about it. They're annoying bastards, is what I'm trying to say.
14) Couples Who Go 'Facebook Official' In 2016, Unless They're Roughly 14 Years Old
Ah yeah, by all means use your new relationship as a means of gaining a bizarrely perverse, personal gratification from intangible social media acknowledgement, given to you by people who, in reality, couldn't give a baker's fuck.
Your love is pure and you're off to a cracking start.
Who's taking bets? Two weeks?
If you've been affected by an equally hideous type of couple, by all means contact us on Twitter or Facebook. Anyway, I just found a Dorito crumb in my beard. The quest for love continues.
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