We recently declared war on internet memes, and we promised we'd come back at mundanely routine, infuriating internet phrases. 'Sorry not sorry,' I just can't take these anymore.
1) #JustSaying
You just called me a 'fat, scaly invalid.' You can't take the heat off that with a fecking hashtag? And if you're going to say it, commit to it, you coward!
2) Rant over
Oh it's over, is it? We can go, then? Sorry, we were hanging on your every word there for seventeen consecutive tweets about how RyanAir lost your luggage, or how your 'basic bitch' girlfriend cheated on you with a guy named Chad.
Maybe if you started your spiels with 'rant begins' and saved us the reading time, she might not have thought you were such an unbearable prick.
3) Epic Fail
I don't even need to explain this one, do I?
4) Break the internet
No, a GAA jersey-wearing, blubbering idiot from Ballina did not break the internet by playing the spoons outside Dinny O'Reilly's pub. And neither did Kim Kardashian's ass or, for that matter, the Y2K Bug.
The internet can't be broken, but our souls can; you won't find many things more tragic than seeing a middle-aged man trying to claim something stupid broke the world wide web.
5) On Point/On Fleek
If you ever hear someone use one of these phrases (the origins and meanings of which remain unsolved) in real life, please call the gardaí immediately at either 999 or 112.
Good God in Heaven.
6) 'This!'
Obviously not just the word 'this.' It's all about context. Here's one I made at home earlier:
THIS! https://t.co/Wq7kYWeAmv
— Gavan Casey (@GavanCasey) June 25, 2015
How narcissistic are you that you feel you must apply a personal touch in your 'approval' of a message? No, a simple retweet or share doesn't suffice in your endorsing of a tweet or 'thinkpiece' (stay tuned for thinkpiece). Better make a redundant, one word statement to ensure your name is visibly associated with it. You absolute tool. P.s. apologies to Kay from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne who I in no way believe is a dickhead.
7) Sorry not sorry
Well you should be. You're a walking oxymoron.
8) Banter
The word 'banter' has become so sodomised by football idiots that it has practically become a derogatory remark in itself. Once describing the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks, banter is now synonymous with 'LAD humour,' an appalling means of communication used by unintelligible idiots from the dregs of society, and places like Stoke or Laois. Where banter was once just good-natured craic, it's now used as a get-out-clause when someone is caught acting the shit-bird towards women or people of a different race.
9) That moment when/that awkward moment
Essentially a lazy way of telling a mildly embarrassing story. Birthed one of the most heinous films of the internet generation, That Awkward Moment, which unsurprisingly starred Zac Efron.
10) Thinkpiece
Your 4,000 word reaction to Taylor Swift's thoughts on feminism will make us think, alright. It'll make us think you're a presumptuous, pretentious asshole for calling your own ramblings a 'thinkpiece.' That's not for you to decide. Jokes aside, the fact that we even need a word for a 'thinkpiece' would suggest that not enough articles or stories we read evoke conscious, critical thought. And that's frightening.
11) National (X) Day
Can we ease up with the National Kiss Your Ex Days and National Fist-Fight A Penguin Days? It used just be called Tuesday, and everybody was grand with it. How about National Take A Swan-Dive Off A Tall Building You Insufferable Day-Making Berk Day?
12) #NomNom
Instagram food pictures should be illegal, as should the term 'food porn,' but my overriding hatred for insta-grub and responsible parties is only truly activated by the 'NomNom' hashtag. I mean, what? All it does is imprint the image of you actually savaging your hashtag sushi like a caged animal of some description. Eat it - and by all means enjoy it - but stop taking pictures of your food, you weird freak.
Attacking the cookie plate with @Chantelmar_ ! ?? #nomnom pic.twitter.com/xZIwKKMH0Y — AudreyPuente (@AudreyPuente) June 25, 2015
13) Squad
If you refer to your group of friends as a squad, and not in an ironic 'taking the piss' sense, you're beyond repair. Good luck.
14) Trolls
We don't tar all bad people with the same brush away from the internet, so why do we do it online? Just like bad assholes in real life, 'trolls' are evil in a whole variety of ways - perverts, deviants, verbally abusive sacks, banter-merchants, racists, sexists, Westboro Baptist Church members, and so on.
To brand them all 'trolls' is lazy, and gives some of the worst people in the world a joke name. It's wrong.
15) This Guy Wins The Internet
'Nuff said. (Actually, that's another one).
16) #NoFilter
It's not so much the phrase itself that's annoying, more the fact that we require it at all. Social media is a passive-aggressive competition, and many people seem to believe the quality of their lives will ultimately be judged by how well Santa Monica pier looks through their camera lens.
Meaning, on the rare occasion you take a picture so beautiful you deem it worthy of posting sans-filter, you're obliged to announce the fact that you opted against a filter. Because people will otherwise assume it's 'HUDSONed' to the nines.
17) Relationship Goals
That's literally an old shovel leaning against a garden fence. Are you ok?
18) Can't Deal
Take it easy, Common White Girl. Spiced Pumpkin Lattes will be back in Starbucks soon.
19) '16 Things That'/'10 Reasons Why'/'8 Ways To' lists
Hypocrisy, thy name is The Sliced Pan. We take plenty of flack for 'list posts' like this one on a daily basis. But here's the thing: If you trolls were on point and helped us win the internet, we could probably start writing thinkpieces instead. Is that fleek enough for you? #JustSayin #RantOver
The moment when The Sliced Pan goes meta. You just can't match that for banter. #SorryNotSorry
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