Breaking up with someone is rarely enjoyable for either party unless you get some sick pleasure out of making someone else miserable, although that could have just been the relationship itself. Anyway, it's difficult to know what's the best way to break up with someone or what protocol should be followed immediately after a break up so here is your guide to breaking up with someone in the most selfish but fabulous ways possible.
Burn all their clothes
While this might be seen as a psychotic step too far it's definitely not. You don't want their crap lying around the house dragging you back to the memories of your lives together so just have a bonfire party and use all their clothes, presents and anything else belonging to them as the firewood. They may as well come in useful in some way. Warmth, erasing memories and fun, Yay!
"Ghost" the shit out of them
Ghosting is the act of cutting off all communication with the person you no longer have feelings for, unannounced. The person has no idea what’s happening, and never finds out why. It's brutal but it's worth it. No awkward chats, no begging to give it another try, just a clean start and a way to swiftly move on from that relationship. It's the least amount of hassle for you and sure this is exactly where the bonfire will come in handy.
Suggest they move out
If you are living with your boyfriend/girlfriend start suggesting all the reasons that moving out would be a good idea, such as; 'You would have so much more space for all your clothes, it's not fair you having to share with me' or, 'I'm such a messy person you shouldn't have to put up with it,' or 'having your own place would be great for all the house parties with your friends that you love to throw, you won't have to worry about keeping me up late'. If they don't take the hint, write them a note saying you'll bite the bullet and do the moving out... of their lives.
Be distant, cranky and always angry
Give them no explanation for this so they will break up with you and you can play the victim when in all honesty you were a pain in the arse to be around and drove them to end the relationship.
Pretend to propose to them
You may as well go out with a laugh so why not conduct the most elaborately cruel prank ever- pretending to propose to your girlfriend/boyfriend (lull them into a false sense of security) then shout 'LOL JK, I'm breaking up with you, see ya'. It will ensure they never talk to you again so happy days, no inconvenience for you.
Throw them a break up party, disguise it as an anniversary party
Surprise them with a 'happy anniversary' party for the two of you. When they say it's not your anniversary tell them that it will be in a year from now - the anniversary of your break up. They will be in such shock trying to figure out what just happened you can enjoy the champagne before leaving for good. Leave some party food though for your now ex-partner's post-break up binge.
Switch up the clichés
Say 'it's not me it's you,' hold the stare and then just walk away. It will throw them off when they realise they are actually to blame and you got away scot free.
Provide a friendly list of all the reasons being single is great
Then suggest you both try it. Just throw it out there and see how it goes. Tell them that it will save them battery life on their phone because they won't have to text you, they can enjoy themselves by stuffing their face with pizza instead of salad and that they don't have to constantly look preened to within an inch of their life. It's subtle but might be just effective enough for them to break up with you so you aren't the bad guy in the situation.
Ignore them
If they show up at your house, pretend you can't see anyone when you open the door and mutter 'bloody children pranking me ringing the doorbell, then running away' and then shut the door in their face.
Change your voicemail
Change your voicemail to say "Thank you for calling Panda Waste, all our sales executives are currently busy, please leave your name and number and we will get back to you" BEEEEEPPPP. Then, when they ring, let it go to voicemail and it will freak them out that they rang the wrong number and be too scared to call again.
Of course, if you are planning a reconciliation with your significant other at any stage in the future, maybe do the exact opposite of what is suggested above.
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