In case you didn't come across it, Chevrolet ruined many an office worker's Monday night slash Tuesday morning by issuing a press release made entirely of emojis. The statement is part of the car firm's new promotional campaign, #chevygoesemoji, the aim of which is thus far incomprehensible to even the most finely-tuned of minds. In other news, the four horsemen of the apocalypse just trotted into The Sliced Pan HQ, and they want answers. Well thank God we've got 'em.
#Chevrolet issue a press release in all emojis. I'm all for innovating but this seems pure silly... #ChevyGoesEmojipic.twitter.com/B5JbTaIz54
— Seán Earley (@seanearley) June 23, 2015
Chevrolet is announcing the next-generation Cruze this week, a small saloon car designed to appeal to the younger generations. Of course, in classic 'brand tries to be cool' style , their attempt to market themselves to millennials is wince-inducing.
In case you can't see the release properly in the above tweet, here is a screenshot of the statement itself:
And you better believe we've gone and translated it for you. We're down with the kids. And we can assure you, to the best of our substantial emoji knowledge following in-depth consultation with a group of teen hockey players outside Mao in Dundrum, this is 100% accurate:
Happy person loves car
City car music, stop! Dash Day 'n' Nite by Kid Cudi 11 o'clock at night met with mixed emotions, a new car chicks love. Swap your phone, go bowling with a set square, and douse yourself in petrol for basketball, American football, actual football, baseball, tennis, and cycling. Thumbs-up for The Sliced Pan (thanks, Chevrolet), dresses, shoes, lipstick, and dancing twins who text. Car-driving businessmen text us, "I have an idea for a new car, up Earth!"
- Set square: I love strong basketball and football championships
- Phone signal: Phones are cool, but books are "one hunnah." Cars love phones. Diamonds will make you squint. Poke your screen. Blare music.
- Spare seat on the AirCoach: Walk, dance with those twins, and fix your hair.
- Petrol in 2015: extortionately expensive. In six hours, it'll be the 15 times more expensive; stocks are rising.
- Danger: Thinking about purses. On fleek.
- A car will soon blossom.
- A car that makes the world go round.
A car travels from day to night, through rainbows, cities, and bridges! Cars, phones, petrol stations, rollercoasters. It's as "one hunnah" as Nike.
Search for 1911 destination city car music, stop. Chevrolet makes the world go round. Chevrolet goes to petrol stations that you love, and will even high-five you.
If you're confused, use a computer or a phone to visit www.chevrolet.com.
BOOM.
It's schoolyard stuff, really.
Can't wait for Toblerone to start issuing statements in Morse Code.
Tags:
