Let me start with my sincere apologies for the lapse in daily celeb updates over the last 6 days or so. With our esteemed celeb expert Mallorie Ronan on holidays, I took one look at the showbiz headlines on Friday, vomited and lapsed into a state of panic and existential crisis.
After a brief chat with my agent, I realised it wasn't fair to make you - our famed readers of drivel - suffer for my own disillusionment with this ramshackle celebrity culture we have managed to cultivate.
Here's your daily dose:
Some Freaks Realised Zayn Malik Favourited A Picture Of Kylie Jenner *Just Two Weeks After Calling Off His Engagement* AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Yes, even I know that Zayn's engagement to a girl - I want to say from Little Mix - is now off. But the sly dog, now freed from the pop shackles of 1D and set to make "real music" (Come off it, son) has been acting the maggot on social media, favouriting a picture of one of the Kardashian/Jenner sisters in a mesh dress.
Here is the tweet Zayn favourited, because let's be honest, at this point you want to see it:
Outfit ?pic.twitter.com/2Zc9hv7IqB
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) July 30, 2015
Just as I write this, I've received word that Zayn has also followed Khloe Kardashian on Twitter.
But what does this mean?
Well, I'd imagine it means he and his ex-fiancé are exactly where they were at the turn of the month in the sense that they are still no longer engaged, and that if you were using an Electron Tunnelling Microscope from Cornell University, you still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in any of this shite.
Keep at it Zayn you pervert!
Everybody Said Keith Richards Called The Beatles Shit, But He Didn't Really
Firstly, The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards did describe The Beatles' Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band as “a mishmash of rubbish”.
Ironically, Rolling Stone Magazine named Sgt Peppers' no.1 in it's '500 Greatest Albums Of All Time' article in 2003. But I digress.
Richards made headlines for describing the 30 million-selling record as "a load of shit," but that quote was actually used to describe both Sgt Peppers' AND The Stones' own album Their Satanic Majesties, both of which were released in 1967.
Richards said,
You’re starting to do Sgt Pepper’s. Some people think it’s a genius album, but I think it’s a mishmash of rubbish, kind of like Satanic Majesties. If you can make a load of shit, so can we.
Crosseyed Heart, Richards' first solo album in more than 20 years, will be released on September 18th.
Hugh Jackman Became The 187,436th Human Being To Perfect The Art Of Photobombing
To be fair, we probably could have written about this. It's pretty cool.
A reporters dream! There ain't no photobomb like a @RealHughJackman photobomb. @JessicaTnews https://t.co/atadoPv0yC
— Sandra Sully (@Sandra_Sully) August 5, 2015
Jackman and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness were visiting Sydney Children's Hospital to launch the Fight Cancer Foundation's Back On Track programme - a charity which assists with the education of sick kids.
Good man, Hugh.
Colin Farrell Joined The Cast Of The New Harry Potter Film Series
Again, this could probably considered actually writable but we just couldn't be arsed at the time.
Colin Farrell will play a wizard called Graves in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, who will meet up with the main character Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) in New York.
Faz has joined forces with Oscar-winner Redmayne in the title role as well as Katherine Waterston, Ezra Miller and Dan Fogler.
Cool! That film is going to make shitloads of cash when it is released in November of next year.
The Kardashians/Jenners Are Up To The Same Old Shite
Kylie has named her rabbit 'Bruce,' presumably after her father who was once named Bruce. You know what that means, don't you? It means that even the process of naming her fucking rabbit was seen as an opportunity to grab headlines.
Or, alternatively, she is a young woman struggling to deal emotionally with her father's recent sex change and entirely new identity. That would be quite sad.
.@KylieJenner adopts a rabbit, names it Bruce http://t.co/IAr1byPYlz pic.twitter.com/puGkUYyYQl
— People magazine (@people) August 6, 2015
Elsewhere, Khloe - who I didn't even know existed until I received a pigeon-carried message announcing Zayn followed her on Twitter - said she will always love her ex-husband Lamar Odom. I suppose that's pretty sad too.
Meanwhile Kim went for lunch with a fan in New Orleans and bought her shoes for her 21st birthday, which is sound.
Jesus, could it be that these girls are actually human beings?
We'll be back with more of this sort of messing tomorrow.
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