Where Are They Now: Les Battersby

Due to the critical acclaim that met our release of the soon-to-be Pulitzer-nominated 8 Fair City Characters You Havent't Thought About Enough Recently, with comments such as "I understand the need for a certain level of clickbait, but this is just taking the piss," and "Ah, remember Lorcan, he was bleedin' gorgeous so he was!" we've decided to explore the trials and tribulations of one of the greatest soap stars in the history of television.

The greats, they say, always return.

Well, it's been eight years, and there's still no sign of Leslie Nelson "Les" Battersby-Brown (né Battersby) on the Coronation-speckled streets of Weatherfield, Manchester.

When the Battersby clan arrived on 'The Street' back in 1997, they were instantly dubbed 'the family from Hell.' It's said that the phrase caused a mass deterioration of Hell's tourism industry before the turn of the millenium.

The main man Les, husband of Janice, was brash and frankly disgusting; he once headbutted the delightful Curly Watts down th'Rovers and rightly had his life threatened by loyal fans of the show.

Battersby's major storylines included accidentally mowing down a live turkey in a Toyota Corolla, and punching a man so hard in the face that he was sentenced to six months in prison.

But his most famed moment, and arguably one of the most iconic sequences of events in the history of entertainment, arrived on his wedding day to second wife Cilla Brown.

Les was driving when he spotted a member of Status Quo - his favourite band - and took his eyes off the road to stare in amazement. He rear-ended the band's van with the other band members inside. Les was forced to put on a neck brace before tying the knot with the delightful Cilla, but there was more.

The Quo turned up at a back room in the reception (where the presents were being kept) to rest, following the disturbing accident. Les walked in, and told his idols that his dream was to trash a room brimful of expensive objects, in true rock and roll fashion. He duly laid wreck to everything, and threw a wedding-present TV out of the window. Cilla went berserk, naturally, and started attacking Les as the Quo watched on, howling with laughter.

The reception ended with the band agreeing to put past differences with Les behind, performing 'Rockin’ All Over the World' with Les as a member of the band.

It was the stuff of legend, and we've dug it up:

Battersby was last seen on the Street on 6 May 2007, when he was talking to Steve McDonald and Jamie Baldwin in the Streetcars office; it was to be a poignant farewell.

With his fellow Weatherfield natives sick shit of him at that stage, Battersby took off on the road with tribute band 'ZZ Top O' The Morning,' never to be seen on Coronation Street again. But the story certainly doesn't end there.

Following his appearance on The Dark Side of Fame with Piers Morgan, Battersby's attempts to remain television relevant took a significant blow when his pitch for a new series, 'Les Battersby On Gangs,' was brought up on copyright charges.

Battersby lay low, with many presuming him dead following the tragic biscuit-tripping incident that claimed the lives of six members of ZZ Top O' The Morning in late 2010.

The fiery pariah resurfaced in 2013, appearing under the guise of actor Bruce Jones on Celebrity Big Brother, alongside Screech from Saved by the Bell.

Now married to his eighth wife in as many years, Manchester City fanatic Les can occasionally be seen sitting alongside Noel Gallagher in his corporate box at the Etihad Stadium, where it's said he performs half-time stand-up routines about the singer's estranged brother and Gary Neville.

Indeed, it's football where Battersby has found true solace; in 2014, Les was appointed manager of Isthmian League outfit Leatherhead FC, originally applying for the job in the belief that they were a metal band from Surrey. Under Battersby's tutelage, Leatherhead recovered from an undeniably woeful beginning to the season to finish in a highly respectable 10th position.

A statue of Battersby was unveiled outside Fetcham Grove, originally believed to be a Paddy Power publicity stunt. It stands there to this day.

Les Battersby discusses Leatherhead's strong finish to the season on Goals On Sunday.

In April 2015, the two-time Ryman Manager Of The Month winner claimed that he had been chief advisor to Nigel Farage's British General Election campaign, and not a single soul on Earth could conjure up the evidence to prove otherwise.

The deceptively fresh-looking 63 year old was quizzed on a potential run for Prime Minister in 2020, but told Sky News' Kay Burley,

I'm contracted to Leatherhead until 2018, but after that, who knows? Anything can happen in an entirely fictitious story.

Understood to be a keen panel-beater in his spare time, Lesley has already hammered out his club's first major signing of the new season. The Tanners' faithful were astonished to discover that Arsenal's Wojciech Szczesny would be undergoing a medical at the Leatherhead Leisure Centre, but soon realised Battersby had meant 'Chesney,' his former step-son from Corrie, who joined the club on a six-month loan deal.

Still, even eight years on from his acrimonious departure from Weatherfield, the rumours persist.

With daughter Leanne now in need of moral support, there have been widespread calls for Les' return to Coronation Street, described by one fan as having "the potential to be bigger than Jesus' comeback circa Easter 33AD."

The hashtag #bringbackBattersby has been taking the internet by storm, with former WBC World welterweight champion boxer Junior Witter leading the charge:

@JrWitter @RealBruceJones @itvcorrie most definitely- never been the same without him ... ? #BringBackBattersby

— Lou Campbell❤️⚽️ (@mrsloucampbell) July 1, 2015

Sources close to Battersby said the star would only consider a Weatherfield return if he received a formal apology from Ken Barlow for calling him "a decrepit, scaly individual" during their famed five-a-side fallout in 2001.

The feeling from Weatherfield is that Battersby's role as the village idiot has long-since been replaced by Kirk (pronounced 'Keuuuhkkhh'), but with his name now the sixth most used hotel pseudonym in the Greater Manchester Area, the fans have spoken.

Surely, surely there can only be one Les Battersby.

We're on board.

#BringBackBattersby